IN TRANSITION: #9: Time to think.
Jan. 21,2012 I found this in my drafts… so here it is…the continuation
Beginning of January 2011
Nothing makes an anxious, lost newbie car buyer feel more at peace than a trip to the car dealer. At least that was the effect it had on me.
I went and checked out the 3 cars that were part of this great offer that was in an ad. I test drove them. And all was good. I finally decided on a car and I with my dad by my side, we talked about the prices.
The offer was good but not great and certainly not something to jump into. I mean, this was a year end sales event and I felt like I could probably get a deal like that anytime….but I wasn’t sure.
Feeling this uncertainty I began to feel alittle anxious about leaving without a car. It was tempting. I could have left with a new car right then and there.
I realized that…I needed more time to think about it. The amount they were suggesting for a lease just didn’t seem worth it, I was thinking at the time that it would be better to finance. …or even get a decent used car. If I’m going to pay the same potentially high amount for a car ( I practically have no credit) then I might as well work towards keeping it, not giving it back a couple of years later.
So, I left.
Oddly enough the experience helped me calm down a bit. It helped me focus and it made me realize that buying a car takes longer than I thought. There’s more you have to consider and it’s not something that should be so…from one day to another. More thought should be put in and there should be a game plan.
Even though I would be able to pay for a new car, I’m kind of thinking that it may not be the best option.
So I’m really start to look at all of the other options.
(True) Love changes EVERYTHING
I felt the connection pretty much instantly though at the time I didn’t fully know it. All I knew was that I felt this sudden urge to get closer to him as we sat talking for hours in his bean bag chair in his room. The conversation was so great and so open. We seemed to have so many fundamentals in common as well as most everything else.
What was more important was that I felt it was so genuine. He was being who he was and despite my usual cynicism, I felt I could believe him. I believed all the things he was revealing to me. It was a lot. He put it all out there and made me feel I could do the same. So I did. I told him everything, just like that,in one shot and I felt respected, heard, and not judged in anyway. It was quite amazing right from the beginning.
Despite this whole experience I was still cautious about how to continue. I figured it was best to take it slow, not let him know I was interested romantically so that I could analyze him best. The next time we spent time together solidified the connection. The feelings were something I couldn’t deny.
Here was a guy who wasn’t afraid to be who he was, who didn’t seem to judge people. He was super smart and lots of fun; seemed very adventurous. I had never met someone who could talk so much and everything said was interesting, someone with a wide range of interests and knowledge about so many things. Here was someone with the same type of values, and upbringing. I met someone with an admirable amount of confidence, not arrogance, someone considerate and respectful who’s experienced many things in life with great stories. He had so many qualities and yet what he was interested in was getting to know me. It was like i knew him forever. I “got” him. And I kissed him that night, to his surprise.
We’ve been together since and the openness and comfort has pretty much been the foundation of our relationship.
I can go on and on about the greatness of it all.
But that’s not what this post is about.
This post is about how finding the love of your life can turn your life completely around and upside down, in an internally chaotically beautiful and special way. Let me explain.
WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE,DURING AND/OR AFTER THE EUPHORIA OF LOVE.
Most people think that when Love, True love ( the kind where you find the person that you absolutely admire, and that admires you and ACTUALLY respects and treats you like a human being, an equal) comes to you, it’s going to be this big, beautiful life changing thing and that you’ll “just know”. And it is all of those things and more. But people also think that it won’t ever make you cry, that you won’t ever become depressed or scared and you won’t ever become some weird emotional freak/ mess. That’s where the misconception lies. Not everyone will experience this aspect of love. Or it could be that many people don’t realize that they’re experiencing it. Some people have a very simple outlook on life and love and so can easily accept anything that happens to them and what it may mean for them.But for those who are more complex, ( ie those who have been told they “complicate things” or ” think too much”), the emotions that take place are vast ranging from the ridiculously spiritual this – is – bigger- than – us euphoria to the what – the – hell- has – gotten- into – me -I’m-a – terrible person complex/depression/despair.
If you still don’t understand, I’ll break it down for you.
Here’s what happens to the very “complex” ones (also read “over thinkers” “the anxious” “perfectionists”)
The complexities and vivid imaginations which you once used as a source of entertainment and was once also your sense of pride, (therefore you never dreamed of controlling it) suddenly becomes your curse. All the scenarios that go into your head, mixed with all of your fears, your hopes, your self loathing, the fact that your life is going to change forever, the fact that the change is going to mean you lose/gain this or that, the fact that it’s slowly (or quickly) changing already, the fact that it’s something you can’t control ( because you don’t want to, you found your love), and you’re afraid it means something about you (usually something negative) if you can’t or don’t want to control something that is changing your life in a big way.
Not to mention all of the other things you’re processing about the person as you spend more time with them, the other things you’re processing about yourself as you react or don’t towards something. This may especially happen if this is your first “good” or “great” relationship or unbelievably sweetest person you’ve ever known/dated/fell in love with. It’s enough to make anyone crazy.
Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if you felt a little crazy after reading all the crap I just typed. And no, I wouldn’t be surprised if you thought I was crazy too.It’s just as daunting to the mind in thought/feeling form as it is in writing. In fact it feels weirder.
GETTING SOME PERSPECTIVE
If you’re curious ( and haven’t given up on this post entirely. Thanks for reading this far..haha) Re-read that whole segment again. Read the thoughts ( those are just some) and imagine it all as layers…yes kind of like the movie Inception. It’s all happening at once.
It’s too many to dissect and pinpoint to figure out why you’re feeling/ thinking this way…unless you forgive yourself for being a mess, stop judging yourself and take some time to really take a good hard look at yourself and do some serious self – analyzing. Don’t blame the other person. This is more about you than it is about anything else. So don’t be alarmed and most importantly don’t give up, especially if the love of your life is incredibly great. If you are having trouble remaining composed about it, then that is what you need to work on.
There will be times where you will feel like you’re doing everything right…then perhaps everything wrong. You will feel like you deserve their love, and then like they deserve better….much better. You will experience joy and numbness and maybe even irritability. It will all feel strong. But it’s all because the love is so grand….that you literally don’t know what to do with yourself. God Blessed you. You are lucky.
So long as the behaviors of your significant other are all great, and loving towards you, everything you may be experiencing that seems odd in love is in fact normal. Take some relief in that. But the hard work comes in finding out the reason or thought behind it all. The process can be painful at times, you’ll find out plenty of things about yourself that you may not want to come to terms with, that you’re going to have to deal with and maybe even fix so that you can function in this wonderful relationship. This is true love.
TRUE LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING
It changes the way you look at life, your past,yourself, friends, family, society….everything. Things you thought you liked, things you thought you were against, it changes everything. You go through the process of rethinking everything but in the end, pushing through and confronting everything you thought you’ve ever known,rewards you with a stronger,peaceful, more decisive,composed, and more defined sense of self. And that new found self love helps you love and appreciate everything else so much more.
I’ve learned, through my own experience, that Love is a force. It’s not just something you find and that’s it. Happily Ever After. No. Not if you really respect it and believe in it. It’s not like getting an awesome Christmas/Birthday gift. Not completely anyway.
It’s a force of admiration and affection so great, that it inevitably molds you and will push you to be your best, because you have found someone you admire so much, you don’t ever want to disappoint them,ever.
