The last straw that breaks “the trance”

I made a statement on Facebook that said you’re either voting for Racism, Sexism and the dissolving of the First Amendment or you’re voting for Hillary. I think some people may have thought that I was calling all those who vote for Trump racist, sexist,etc and that this was said in an angry way.

But to be clear, I don’t think all Trump supporters are racist, etc. and my statement wasn’t posted with any angry or judgmental tone. I wasn’t angry when I posted it. It was just food for thought for those who mean well but are still having a hard time noticing just how bad Trump really is as a person, and what that vote means. It was a check your conscience type of post. Because at the end of the day, you’re the one who’s going to have to live with your vote. No one has to know who you voted for unless you want them to know.

I don’t believe all Trump supporters are racists because I understand that you don’t have to believe in those ideas to encourage them. And I can understand that because I’ve experienced the mechanics of “victim mentality” and I believe the well-meaning Trump supporter is experiencing that unknowingly, as is usually the case. And it’s usually the case because of one thing, compartmentalization. It’s the key element in creating this mentality.

I use my experience as an example of how the culture around you can prime you for something.And by culture, I mean the closest environments and people you’re exposed to day in and day out.

When you grow up in an environment where you have someone that tells you you’re both great and a potential failure, that you’re both pretty, and undeserving, that they are both proud of you, and jealous of you (among other scenarios), you learn how to explain away the bad qualities they exude, the bad parts about a person. Especially when others around you seem to do the same, not just with them but with others as well.

And this is just one example of the kind of dynamics that teach you how to be attracted to, and support “abusive” or “dangerous” or “rude” people. The tactic that in some ways helped you psychologically and mentally survive the dynamics you experienced everyday (because you found a way to reconcile conflicting stimuli/ circumstances) made it so that you became too good at it.

In some ways, the quality is helpful because it instills patience, you’re able to see the good in everyone, you’re empathetic, and you can make the best out of just about any situation. You’re a go with the flow kind of person. You’re malleable and in some ways, you had to be.

But this malleability becomes the problem because we don’t quite know how to turn it off when we meet a sly, sneaky, horrible person, who’s acting like they’re good or normal while trying to win you over so they can use you up for themselves. In fact, because we’ve been primed to explain away bad behavior, we don’t even notice just how bad they really are.

And I truly feel like that’s the case for many Trump supporters.

No one else can make someone else wake up from that mental habit. You can keep throwing food for thought at them, but eventually, they determine when something finally sticks for them enough to leave and to be able to spot and avoid people like that, going forward. I know, it took me a year for it to finally stick. One situation made me say “Nope” and I walked away. Then the hard psychological work really began.

Everyone has their “last straw” and it’s different for everyone. Trump supporters can clearly tolerate a whole lot of straws.

And as much as I don’t like that they can, I can see HOW. I don’t have anger towards that type of Trump supporter, I have some compassion for them. They’re just not there yet, if they’ll ever be.

And “Victim” is not meant to be an insult. “Victim” does not imply “dumb”.  I certainly don’t consider myself dumb and I’d like to think you don’t think I’m dumb either. The best way I can describe the actual psychological experience while you’re in that mentality is being caught in a “trance” so to speak. A trance that you’ve been primed for, for quite some time. When enough people around you do a certain thing socially, you’re more inclined to find it acceptable no matter how it makes you feel. That’s the way all humans work. If your family is open-minded but every so often they make statements that would be considered a bit distasteful or offensive to others, you’re aware of this, but given that you’re with them all the time and see the other things they do that might be neutral or even great, you are able discount the bad stuff. And so, it becomes normal, and automatic. If friends of friends, or family friends, or extended family all kind of behave in that manner and say and accept certain things that you’re aware others may find unacceptable, you’re still going to feel it’s at least somewhat acceptable (or defend able) even when you might know better.

Because, clearly, everyone around you can’t possibly be assholes in their own way, right?

Here’s the thing. They CAN all be assholes in their own way. Getting out of the “trance” means accepting that possibility or reality and figuring out how you’re going to deal with it in a way that doesn’t involve encouraging it and partaking in it, or compartmentalizing it to that point.

For those of you who voted for Trump after all the controversies you’ve seen surrounding him with his statements,etc.

Take a moment to imagine this.

What WOULD have been your “last straw” for Trump?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

American Bad Habits

Even though I don’t post often, I tend to write short thoughts from time to time that I seem to never post.

I wrote this about a year ago. This seems appropriate to post now, given that I feel Trump is sort of all these things, personified. This has not been edited at all for grammar or anything else so, this a disclaimer for the grammar Nazis reading this.

Despite all the progress we’re seeing in this country regarding things like gas, healthcare, and unemployment, we’re unhappy and never satisfied because it is in our  culture to feel that way.

It’s not something explicitly encouraged. Meaning, you won’t necessarily see posters about how cool it is to be unhappy. It’s not so obvious. But, it’s our tendency, as a country, to rely too much on escapism, aggression, and convenience and it may destroy us. This is what got us to where we are today as a society, and I think it will be what destroys us as a society. Some people point to technology as the main culprit and I agree up to a certain point. Technology is absolutely exacerbating things but only because of American Culture’s dependence on escapism, aggression, and convenience. It is not the gun policies or lack thereof that will kill us, it’s the emotionally important meaning we put into guns. It’s not a recession that will end us, it’s our impulsive need to shop, to spend even when we don’t have enough money that will create a recession, which can then end us. Relying too much on Credit and monthly payments and it’s convenience will ruin us.

All the policies could be exactly as we would like them to be, but if the popular American Mindset doesn’t change, we’ll end up right where we are right now, with Assholes, Scatterbrains, Shattered lives that had full potential, and a bunch of rich bigots who couldn’t care less and are helping to make matters worse.

What “don’t lose yourself” really means

In a previous post I talked a little about how wrong it is for people to say don’t lose yourself in relationship because you most certainly have to stop certain aspects of your lifestyle in order to fit someone new, or someone else into it as intimately as you do when you’re in a relationship/marriage.

If by “losing yourself” one means you stop hanging out with friends as often or just stop doing certain things you did when you were single, then absolutely, it’s almost a requirement to do so.

But, now, in retrospect, to some degree, there is something to the phrase or the warning. It’s just that people seem to be using it wrong. They’re misinterpreting what it means.

Being married for a little while now, one thing that I’m beginning to think about is making sure to stay WHO I was…or actually more accurately to be mindful of who I am.

It’s funny but as you start to lose yourself in one way, by not going out or hanging out at (insert regular spot here), you start to tap into the things that really make you, you.

And you realize that some of the things you did while you were single were really things you did, just to pass the time, not because you had any real passion for it or were emotionally invested in it.

But then you also realize that some things about you never really change, regardless of how much older you get , or what environment you find yourself in, or whatever lifestyle you left, and the lifestyle you now choose to live.

That is your essence.

Sometimes, when you’re with someone that is complementary but different from you in some of those core ways, you have to work a little harder to make sure you don’t become them. Not because there’s something wrong with becoming them, after all they complement who you are, but you want to make sure you don’t become them because who you are inside, your quirks, your natural disposition, etc are the only real buffer you have against the hardships of life.

It’s the only thing you really should keep for yourself, especially when you’ve decided to commit your life to spending it with someone else every waking moment together.

Do you realize, how much you will build or have built together? It’s a life, that perhaps, you would have otherwise never known. And that’s something that’s both, extremely beautiful and inspiring as it is daunting, as well as frightening.

It’s beautiful and inspiring, because it takes so much surrender from each person to get to where you are now. I’m talking the job you have, the house you bought together, the decorations, the kids, the pets, your schedule, all the love. The people in your life, the people out of your life.

But it’s also frightening and daunting in the sense that….if it were all to crash and burn….for whatever reason… and yes it is pretty much going to happen soon or later. I could go and on about that but, I will say, no matter how much you acknowledge that possibility,you hope it’s later rather than sooner. ALWAYS LATER..much later. PLEASE Let it be later, not sooner. Because you somehow know that even if you have many years together, it will not soften the terrible blow that comes from the ending.

And all you will ever have is yourself. The way you walk into this space and time we call life.

Your temperament, your hobbies and passions, the way you say hello, your sense of wonder, your imagination.

You can’t ever lose that.

I’ve learned or rather, I know that I really love to dance. It is a passion and I’ll always love it even if I don’t go somewhere and dance again. I dance at home for no reason, as I remember a song in my head. Or I do silly dancing. It’s what I do. That is me. It has always been me no matter how old I was or where I found myself. I ALWAYS did that. I know that no matter how much merit I see in being a little more aggressive with people who try to push me around, I can’t really ever get very angry. I know that no matter how mindful I become I will always eventually have a collection of shoes next to my bed. I don’t know what it is about me and shoes. I can NEVER put them away. I end up putting everything away on the weekend. I know that no matter how much knowledge I have about people, the world, and no matter how much bad things exist in the world, I seem to always keep my naivete or a sense of innocence in things I do, the way I smile, the way I say hello, the way I say no.

These kinds of things are important to keep. because without them, your ENTIRE world will crash and burn. And you may not survive it.

When people say “don’t lose yourself” what they really mean to say and I think, what they really should say is “It’s important to keep your little internal world intact”. It’s important to maintain your inner self. No matter how old you get, no matter where you find yourself, no matter what your life is like, no matter what place, or headspace you’re in right now. Don’t lose your world. Maintain that world. It’s the only world you really have.